UFC 99 Predictions

As promised, I’m putting up new content on this blog. Starting with this entry, one thing I want to post regularly here are my predictions for upcoming major mixed martial arts (or MMA) cards. Today’s entry is about tomorrow’s UFC 99 card. But first, I’m going to devote the next few paragraphs for those uninitiated with the sport:

To the untrained eye, MMA may look like just a bunch of shirtless men engaged in highly chauvinistic displays of manly agression, to show who’s the “better man”. But there is more to that, as the said highly chauvinistic displays of manly aggression also involves wearing index card-sized trunks and mounting one another in rather uncomprosing positions, with no irony whatsoever.

As is the tradition in similar spectacles such as boxing and professional wrestling, the ultimate goal in MMA is to win a belt. This is just as well a bit ironic, because since the participants have been lugging themselves in the ring in only their trunks, there seems to be a pressing need for them to fight for a more practical article of clothing, like a shirt. But this tradition has been upheld for years without question. So let’s just be thankful that the people who came up with this idea did not end up with anything worse. It would have been awkward if, for example, they would have fought for say, a championship thong.

Okay, I hope that brings you up to speed with regards to the sport! Now here are the some of the fighters slated to compete tomorrow:

Fighting in tomorrow’s main event is Rich “Ace” Franklin (24-4). He is a former math teacher and former UFC middleweight champion. His monicker was derived from the fact that he resembles actor Jim “Ace Ventura” Carrey.

Across the ring is going to be Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva (33-9-1). He is a former Pride (a now-defunct rivaling promotion) middleweight champion. His monicker was derived from the fact that he is the most angelic-looking fighter in the sport, and coining him “The Axe Murderer” would be funny and ironic because that would be in stark contrast of what one would think upon seeing his face. That was sarcasm. There is a 50% chance he might have actually chewed off his own umbilical cord right after birth.

Wanderlei Silva eats babies for breakfast.

Fighting in the co-main event is heavyweight contender Cheick Kongo (14-4-1). He has no monicker yet, but the label on his shirt is very appropriate. He has made a legitimate strategy out of using kicks to trying to put an end to the bloodlines of his opponents right there in the ring. His opponent is undefeated prospect Cain Velasquez (5-0).

In an amazing coincidence, the two most prominent victims of Kongo’s ballblaster kicks are fighting each other: Mustapha Al-Turk (6-4) and Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic (24-6-2).

Kongo Declares That Al Turk Shall Have No More Babies From Now On

No more Cro Coplets for you!

Cro Cop, in particular has a penchant for being in the receiving end of such a move. He suffered a similar fate in a fight he had last year against Alistair Overeem. Here’s a snippet of what happened in the contest:

Later on in the round Overeem landed at least three illegal knees to the groin–one of which wasn’t caught by the referee. After the last one Cro Cop was in obvious agony. The words that came out of Bas Rutten’s mouth when the bout was getting waived off and called a no contest will haunt men around the world for a long time:

“We just got informed by Mirko Cro Cop’s corner that his right testicle is inside.”

Moving on …

Ouch!

Finally, another hype-worthy fight from this card is between welterweights Marcus Davis (16-4) and Dan Hardy (21-6). Davis is one of my favorite fighters, though I must point out that when he speaks, he sounds as if he has been sparring with Cheick Kongo a lot (think how Mike Tyson speaks). Davis and Hardy have been in a pro-wrestling-like war of words in the weeks leading to their fight. A sticking point to this feud (really) was when Hardy’s fans  (upon the prompting of Hardy) posted  photoshopped pictures of Davis that made insinuations about his gender orientation.  This one’s the funniest:

So for my predictions:

In the main event, I’m rooting for the math teacher, but my gut tells me “The Axe Murderer” is going to pull off a brutal TKO, probably in the first round.

In the co-main event, I’m predicting Kongo’s first low-blow to occur inside of three minutes. In the end though, Velasquez will pull through, perhaps with a second-round TKO via ground-and-pound.

Cro Cop with a nasty game-ending kick in the first round.

Davis will probably be goaded into a stand-up battle, but he’ll wise up and pull off a slick submission by the second round.  In the end, I predict both fighters will hug each other and act as if nothing happened, because that’s what usually happens.

In other main card fights, I expect lightweight Spencer Fisher coming up on top of returning Caol Uno, and Mike Swick easily dispatching Ben Saunders in welterweight action.

Can’t wait for tomorrow!

Advertisement